


Castle

by Mignon3tte



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Banana Fish Gift Exchange 2019, Eiji's mental health, M/M, or lack thereof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-12 05:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20992019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mignon3tte/pseuds/Mignon3tte
Summary: It had been years since the changes, but Eiji refused to believe that everything wasn’t still hanging on by a thread. He had essentially built a castle on top of a pin needle. Everything was perfectly balanced, carefully crafted and strong. The fortress itself was impenetrable, Eiji made sure of that. But a single tap at the needle would make everything crumble.





	Castle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rotten_Velvet](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Rotten_Velvet).

> This is a gift for @Rotten_Velvet on twitter! Hope you like it!

With the least amount of grace possible, Eiji sat down on the windowsill. A sigh tumbled out of his mouth, and the pressure in his feet and ankles eased up and was replaced with a dull throbbing. He leaned his head one way and winced when it cracked, and then leaned it the opposite direction for another. He never got used to how tense daily activities made him recently. It normally started around mid-afternoon, while he was preparing lunch or washing the dishes. His left shoulder would seize up and form a big, tight knot. The pain was often so intense that it felt like needles, or sometimes a knife, sticking into the muscle. No amount of early morning stretches could prevent it, and no amount of massaging after it formed would help either. Every time the pain came back, he would have to wait it out. After a while he got used to it.

One evening, Ash asked him about it. “Your shoulder hurt or something?”

Eiji looked up and stared. He had been standing in the kitchen, rolling a tennis ball over his shoulder in an attempt to get some relief from the stabbing pain. Ash, who had been walking over, sat down on one of the bar stools.

“I think I slept on it wrong,” Eiji said with a laugh.

“I can massage it for you,” Ash said. Eiji almost choked at the statement. He looked at Ash and saw no amount of sarcasm or falseness in his expression. He was completely serious.

“N-no, that’s okay,” Eiji stammered. “It will be fine after some rest.”

After that, Eiji made quick work of putting the groceries away and going into the laundry room, wondering the whole time why his mouth was so dry and his skin so hot. The sharp _clang_ of the washing machine door closing helped Eiji snap out of it—whatever it was. He worried his lip as he thought.

Ash never really offered those kinds of things, or, if he did, it was usually in jest or dripping with sarcasm. But just then in the kitchen, there wasn’t any humor. Ash was completely serious. He even said it in a kind, inviting tone, as if he was eager to do such a thing. And in that moment, Eiji wanted nothing but to let Ash do it. Ash could do anything he wanted, if Eiji was concerned.

Eiji huffed and placed his hand on the washing machine. The metal was cool to the touch and calmed his heated skin. He knew that Ash was doing much better; the days of danger and troubled pasts were long behind them, but he couldn’t help but shake the knee-jerk reaction of keeping physical contact to a minimum. Eiji had long ago accepted the fact that he likely would rarely get any physical affection from Ash. It was a harsh fact of his partner’s upbringing, but it was one he had reconciled with. As long as Ash was happy and comfortable, well, Eiji could be just fine—he _would_ be just fine.

He would never push Ash; he would never put his own needs first. He wasn’t going to be like all the other selfish monsters that tore Ash to shreds. He would be better. He would be perfect. One mistake in the wrong spot and Ash would recoil, he was sure of it. Ash hadn’t shied away from his actions in a long time, yes, and he was getting better at communicating, yes, but Eiji still knew that any wrong move and Ash would be out the door, alone, in danger, doing who knows what in the name of self loathing.

It had been years since the changes, but Eiji refused to believe that everything wasn’t still hanging on by a thread. He had essentially built a castle on top of a pin needle. Everything was perfectly balanced, carefully crafted and strong. The fortress itself was impenetrable, Eiji made sure of that. But a single tap at the needle would make everything crumble. He made sure nobody touched the needle; kept it in his sight at all times. Eiji was simultaneously the only one who could break the needle and the only one who could protect it.

The sharp, tingling pain returned in Eiji’s shoulder. He winced and grabbed at it with his right hand, squeezing the muscle to try and relieve the pain.

He rarely thought about the decision he had made. At times he wondered if it was in error.

He had built a castle on the tip of a needle and used himself as the foundation. He was sure that he would be able to take the weight, but now that his body was starting to crumble…

The knot didn’t release in his shoulder until he got into bed. Surprisingly, Ash joined him. Ash always joined him, but Eiji couldn’t shake the habit of assuming Ash would be gone for the night and he would be sleeping alone. He still went to sleep every night wondering if he would wake up to Ash being gone. It had been years, but Eiji wouldn’t stop worrying.

Ash, who was spooning him from behind, pressed his nose into Eiji’s hair. “Eiji, can I ask you something?”

Eiji hummed in response. There was a brief silence.

“You can,” Eiji clarified.

“Look at me,” Ash said, voice soft.

Eiji opened his eyes, brow furrowed, and then turned over. His eyes met Ash’s and saw that same look of sincerity.

Ash kissed him on the forehead, chaste and fleeting. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired,” Eiji said. It was an automatic response, but it was one that had served him well.

Ash looked at him and nodded lightly, as if he was processing the response. Eiji could sense the worry bubbling within Ash and wondered at it.

“But are you, you know, _okay_?”

Eiji blanched. His extensive collection of hand-me-down wisdom and heartfelt words failed to make a response to such a question. It was all he could do to ask “What do you mean?”

Ash searched his face, ready to question Eiji’s fake ignorance. But, if he wanted to breach the topic, he knew that he would have to play into it.

“Well, it’s just that for a while you’ve been looking like something’s troubling you,” he said. He brought his hand up and rubbed at Eiji’s arm.

“What do you mean?” Eiji couldn’t help but repeat himself. If deaf and dumb would keep his castle intact, then deaf and dumb he would be.

Ash sighed. The conversation ended with a “Never mind” from Ash and a hum from Eiji. Later that night, long after Eiji usually fell asleep, Ash’s grip on his torso tightened. Eiji had turned over again and Ash had buried his nose in Eiji’s hair.

“I can take care of you too, you know?” Ash had whispered almost inaudibly. Eiji, faking sleep, almost snorted. His mind, which had such a tight grip on behaviors from the past and refused to let go, immediately scoffed at the ridiculousness of Ash’s statement. Ash said he was okay, and acted like he truly was much better, but Eiji always questioned whether he was faking it. Maybe Ash was faking his health for Eiji’s sake. Eiji remembered reading online that suicidal people often act incredibly happy during their last day of life, as if sentencing themselves to death was a liberating occasion to be celebrated. It had thrown Eiji into a storm of anxiety and plagued his mind for weeks. He had watched Ash like a hawk then, and every smile, every laugh from the blond boy’s mouth was carefully analyzed and recorded. That specific fear had dulled with time, but it still remained.

Eiji long accepted that he would have to keep the both of them afloat indefinitely. He loved Ash with his whole heart and would endure life’s greatest pains if it meant Ash could be happy and safe. Eiji was strong, but in the fleeting moments of vulnerability, when the foundations of his castle would crack, a faint voice deep within him cried out for help; for comfort, for relief.


End file.
